by Emily Lazar
I know you. You were the boy I sat 3 chairs behind in physics… the beautiful one with the dark hair. All the girls giggled at you as you passed them by. Your jeans rested low on your hips. Scuffed Converse, a small hole on the left heel; you used to mark them up with a black sharpie. You were shy. You would doodle sketches of warriors from other planets on the covers of your notebooks. I would stare at the back of your neck and memorize the way it curved and study the way your hair fell as it gently grazed your shoulders… and that tiny mole on the left side, near your clavicle. Sometimes it hid from me, covered by one of your faded concert tees.
I remember you. I would wait in my chair fiddling with papers, buying time at the end of class, in hopes you would pass my desk and I could catch the conflicting scents of baby powder and cigarettes you left in your wake. Ink covered your entire left arm, multi-dimensional drawings of abstract ideas that you had created. They belonged to you alone. All in black and white, you were more beautiful than any color I had ever seen.
That was the first time for me. My insides willfully plundered, my throat exposed waiting to be cut like the neck of a rose. Again and again, I revisit that feeling… so precious in its vulnerability, a taste so sweet to each involved.
M Lazar is the creative force behind the musical art project, September Mourning, as well as a model. Although she resides in Los Angeles, you are more than likely to find her out on tour in the United States or Europe, or gracing the pages of some of your favourite magazines.