Hogwash

by Gerard Elson

Two pigs in mud:

‘Isn’t this mud lovely and warm?’
‘I’ve felt warmer.’
‘Than this? When?’
‘Just have. This isn’t so warm.’
‘I don’t think I’ve ever felt warmer mud than this.’
‘My ear.’
‘What’s that?’
‘’Course you have.’
‘What?’
‘You’ve felt mud warmer than this in your lifetime.’
‘And how do you know?’
‘Just do. Don’t spoil a nice moment with hyperbole.’
‘I’m not. It’s genuinely the warmest mud I’ve ever known. Hog heaven, I believe, is the term.’
‘— ’
What?’
‘…Nothing.’
‘Just say it.’
‘— ’
‘— ’
‘Look: we’re pigs. In mud. Be content with that. Enjoyment needn’t always outshine itself. You’ll supernova.’
‘…Huh?’
‘You know, like a star. When it keeps expanding.’
‘Is that what a supernova is?’
‘You can be happy by just being happy, you know – you don’t have to be the happiest you’ve ever been every single time, lest you feel unfulfilled. You’ve grown dependent on emotional escalation. Only yesterday you said, “this is the most satisfying slop I’ve ever eaten.’”
‘It was hearty slop!’
‘So just say that!’
‘— ’
‘— ’
‘Look: I was “happy just being happy” back in the old pen. But here… I can’t open my snout without you negating me. You’re so self-dissatisfied that you can’t stand seeing me content. It’s pathetic.’
‘The most pathetic thing you’ve ever seen?’
‘— ’
‘—’
‘— ’
‘—’
‘Maybe I’ll sprout wings and learn how to fly. That way, I could shit on you for once.’

***

Gerard Elson is the voice behind film blog celluloid tongue. On occasion, his writings appear elsewhere too. He’s returning to uni this year to undertake an Honours degree in Film and Television Studies at Monash. Wish him luck on Twitter (@gerardelson).

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  1. #1 by pegjet on March 11, 2011 - 3:04 am

    That one got me smiling. I think a chuckle escaped too.
    Fun story.

  1. ~INTERMISSION~ | celluloid tongue.

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